Welcome to Entertaining with the Secret Slacker!

It's 2004, somewhere around four in the morning, and I'm in a penthouse apartment in Bogota. My penthouse apartment, to be exact. Out of the corner of my eye, I see my then-husband's boss vigorously head-banging and singing along to "Livin' on a Prayer." Instead of ducking for cover or rolling their eyes, the other guests are kicking off their shoes and cheering him on.

That was when I realized I had a talent. Some people are ninjas or spies or doctors. They climb mountains, save lives, or write symphonies. Me? I throw bomb-ass parties.

I had the sort of wedding where guests woke up, still in their clothes, covered in wasabi pea snack mix and wondering what on Earth just happened to them. I fit 25 celebrants into a studio apartment for my birthday. At my parties, diplomats run away with bartenders, the ingenue gives a guest a head wound...and her phone number, mangled karaoke is a given, and we spend our mornings reconstructing our evenings. And I do it all with a tiny budget, zero time, and an utter lack of giving a crap.


I believe everyone has the potential to be a great host, even if they don't realize that's what they're doing. Remember that time in college, when you and a buddy heckled porno dialogue and passed a [controlled substance often mentioned in security clearance interviews]? Well, that was a party. And I'm sure it was a blast. You can do this.


In this blog, I won't be teaching you how to build your own cupcake tower out of marzipan and the spirits of fallen angels. You won't learn how to use a fish fork, how to cook a gourmet fifty-course dinner, or how to arrange sunflowers into the shape of the Space Shuttle. No recipe will have more than ten ingredients. Decor can be outsourced to your fifth-grader. Nothing will suck up your time. I prefer to throw the sort of party where "Reality" and "Are You Freaking Kidding Me?" are honored guests.


Instead, you'll learn about:

1. Pretending You're Fancy: low-budget, easy recipes and decor that only look like they took time and effort.
2. Hosting with Style: How to be gracious while making sure your guests have a great time. Dance music floor-fillers, theme party ideas, and how to avert party disaster.
3. Etiquette: For both you and your guests. Even a underpants-themed backyard kegger is subject to basic manners.
4. Special celebrations: Baby shower? Wedding? Birthday? I've got lots of ideas.
5. Budget: How to cut corners and save some cash, without anyone really minding.


Please watch this space for updates. And if you need my advice or ideas, email scannerjockey@gmail.com.